How to be Brave

How to Be Brave

Danger takes many forms. For instance, reckless and impulsive behavior may lead to car accidents; the vagrancies of the environment might cause a dead branch to fall on a passing hiker; alcohol, or other judgment-impairing drugs, can lead to tragic overdoses. And then there is this: increased danger for people with certain characteristics that attract the attention of predatory actors. In nature, predators seek out the young, the sick, the injured, the old, the too slow, the too big, the too small, those who have a different color, making them easier to spot, etc. Any variation will place a target on the back of the individual, making them vulnerable.

The herd is always the best protection for prey animals. Don’t stand out. Stay in the middle of the pack, run with the rest - at their speed and direction. Of course, humans are not herd animals, and while we definitely possess a “herd instinct,” there is evidence to suggest that for a large part of our history when we operated in a hunter/gatherer manner, variation was a great benefit to the group. A question as simple as, “Are you a morning person or a late-night person?” is important for the viability of the tribe because, if there is variation on this spectrum, then the group will have more time when at least one person is awake and can immediately send out the alarm if danger approaches.

Additionally, variation is vital for the advancement of the species because it allows for adaptation. Imagine monkeys living successfully in the treetops of an ancient rainforest. The ecological niche is filled. Troops of monkeys stretch as far as the eye can see. The monkeys have maxed out their natural environment and can go no further. The pressure now becomes intense and there is no room for misfits. Individual monkeys who are born with variant characteristics less suited for this world will likely die, or at least not procreate. Perhaps they’re a little too heavy for the branches to hold. Perhaps their tails don’t grip quite as strongly. Perhaps their vision is not suited for spotting predators hiding in the leaves. And because they can’t compete with the other monkeys who don’t have these disadvantages, they “lose.” Hunger or other aggressive monkeys might drive them down to the forest floor, which is likely a death sentence because they are now banished from their natural food supply and exposed to all the unfamiliar predators living on the ground.

And most of these poor souls will die. But not all. A few may live, because for whatever reason, their traits that did not work up in the treetops work better here on the ground. In fact, they will probably do better on the ground than some of the more “successful” monkeys in the treetops ever would. There is food on the ground – it may be different from what they are used to, but it’s there. There are ways to spot and escape from predators down there. There are places to hide and to sleep. There are opportunities to mate. And some of these variants and their offspring may have just the “right stuff” to accomplish all of it. So, they survive, breed, and, perhaps, thrive. Then, they might even expand their territory and start to explore opportunities offered by the savannah away from the forest. This is the natural order of things. It’s just how nature works.

Variants in the modern human species often go through similar ordeals. Perhaps their variation has to do with physiology – their bodies or some body parts are just different than the norm. Or perhaps their variation has to do with their cognition – they think differently than their peers. Or perhaps their variation has to do with sexuality – they are attracted to the same sex or identify as the opposite gender. Or perhaps, their variation has to do with a skin color that does not align with the dominant group. Or finally, perhaps it’s social - they just can’t “read the room,” and are often awkward, ignored, and ostracized. This may lead to painful, fearful lives because they are targets for their more conventional, “successful” peers who often see them as deviants and a threat to Natural Law. But this attitude places our species in peril because as the world changes these variations might be the very characteristics that allow us to successfully adapt and thrive in a new environment. It’s as absurd as trying to stop a language from evolving, which is neither healthy nor even possible.

Recently, I got a taste of what it’s like to be targeted and I had to learn how to be brave. For some reason, a person with mental illness decided that I had stolen his $4.1 million house and he started to menace me. A couple of the windows of my condo were shot out. A smoke bomb was thrown onto my second story porch and burned the wooden floor. A large rock was thrown at the outside wall of the condo. And my car was messed with. He lives in his car in the parking lot and every time I saw him my muscles would start to shake, and I got butterflies in my stomach. Basically, all resolve left my body. I was really scared. But I thought to myself, “This is ridiculous. My life is being ruined by a guy who just sits in his car all day and night? I must be able to do something.” I reported every incident to the police, but they said there wasn’t anything they could do unless I had video of him doing it. I felt stuck but then my mind went back to a time when I was 15 years old and my older brother tried to teach me how to play American football and fight.

I’ve always been a peace-seeking guy, and my brother has always looked for fights. I guess he thought I needed some lessons on how to “toughen up” so off we marched to a near-by sports field. At the time I thought it was just a bunch of macho, tough-man bullshit and brushed it off. But those lessons came back to me hard when I found myself in a situation where I needed to be brave. I’ve never been a coward, but as a straight, White, cis male who has never been in the military or worked as a first responder, I’ve never really had to be actively brave either. That had changed.

My brother kept hammering home two lessons. First, if you’re moving forward and someone threatens you, increase your speed. Second, keep your head up and keep thinking so you can make good decisions on the fly. Both are unexpected and both give you an advantage. He said it was “aggression without being stupid,” and that it usually works, and even when it doesn’t, you go down fighting. As I said, I nodded my head like the dutiful younger brother I was and didn’t think about it again for 46 years because I didn’t need to…until I did.

These basic concepts helped me develop a five-step “How to be Brave” routine that got me through a threatening situation and set me on a more assured and confident path. I’m hoping this will be helpful for anyone who feels under threat, especially those who are targeted for just being different – all you wonderfully weird variants. You know who you are. It’s not about going after enemies. Rather, it’s about regaining vitality and a joy of living. The steps are: 1) Have locked-in vigilance; 2) Move purposefully; 3) Have a gang; 4) When threat arises step forward, not back; and 5) Carry a weapon.

Locked-in Vigilance

Pay attention to what is going on around you. I discovered through the course of my ordeal that the “free-spirited, floating around-ness” which I proudly held as my M.O., was actually a form of disassociation. Basically, disassociation is a long-term trauma reaction to situations that create a “fight or flight” response. It is a state of “checked-outness” that numbs you to the surrounding, dangerous chaos. My father was an alcoholic and a mean drunk, and my mother was a simple, compassionate soul who had no defense against his biting sarcasm and absurd accusations when he was intoxicated. Their fights were never physical, but they were always horrible to witness…so I just stopped tuning in. They could be having a screaming match in the next room, and I would be calmly watching the Chicago Cubs game on TV. I thought I wasn’t being affected by it. I was wrong.

The first step to being brave is practicing complete situational awareness – a locked-in vigilance that keeps you attuned to what’s going on around you. It’s ok to daydream, be happy and peaceful, and experience joy at the world around you, but you must also have the ability to stay connected to your environment, so you don’t get blind-sided by an unexpected threat. It’s not one or the other. It’s both. Sorry, no ear buds or headphones while out and about. This will be difficult for many people, especially those who have gone through trauma or are neurodiverse and are freaked out by the noisy world around them, but it is critical. As my brother said, you have to keep your head up so you can make good decisions on the fly. Maybe just wear one ear bud?

Move Purposefully

 

Along with paying attention, you also need to have a reason to be doing what you’re doing. Don’t just wander around. Be purposeful in your actions and walk purposefully. It doesn’t need to be earth-shattering, but whatever you do should be intentional. You want to walk through the park and look at trees? Ok, then really walk through the park with the intention of looking at trees. You might even learn how to identify different trees. That’s an interesting exercise. You’re going to the grocery store to shop? Ok, then really go to the grocery store to intentionally shop. Disconnect yourself from the automatic pilot and engage with the activity. Think about what you’re doing. Perhaps even have specific items in mind to make a wonderful dinner with friends. You’re going to work? Ok, then really go to work with the intention of succeeding at your job. Blow everyone away with your abilities. Be proud of what you accomplish. It feels different to act purposefully. Check it out.

Have a Gang

Evil grows in darkness and silence. If something is happening to you, or you’re feeling constantly afraid, tell someone about it. In fact, tell a lot of people about it. You’ve got to get out of your personal “four cubits of fear.” Either physically, by getting out of your home and meeting and visiting other people, or mentally, by redirecting your thinking and actions to something else. Maybe take up painting? You can’t stew in it alone. Try to do things in a group, or at least with one other person. Don’t walk to your car at night alone. It’s good to have a buddy – or even better, lots of buddies. It’s safer and you’ll feel safer. Also, you should think about getting a dog. It doesn’t have to be vicious, but it should be big enough that it gives someone pause before they approach you. There is safety in numbers. Practice being with other people. It will make you safer, and you will have the further advantage of developing emotional resilience through relationships.

When Threat Arises Step Forward, Not Back

Look, some situations absolutely call for you to take a step back or maybe just stand your ground, but that should not be your first impulse. Your first impulse should always be to step forward toward the threat. You may have to check yourself and even, on occasions, move back, but you should not have to compel yourself to move forward. That needs to be automatic. It takes a lot of practice, especially if you’ve spent an entire life doing the exact opposite, but there is a certain steeliness in propelled forward movement. You’ll feel stronger. You’ll be stronger. Also, this attitude might actually go beyond physical threat. I found that, due to my generalized state of disassociation, I would always have to fight against my “laziness” to get things done. In fact, any task or person that disturbed my state of numb disconnected-ness, would annoy me and even make me angry. To a certain degree, it confronted my normal way of operating and usually triggered an unconscious desire to double down of my disassociated state. It truly was an unhealthy downward spiral, and it’s only recently that I’ve discovered the answer was to become actively brave. For instance, in response to what the police told me, I installed a camera on my porch and put up a sign that said, “Smile, you’re on camera.” I was actually shaking while doing it. It was such a small thing, but I had to force myself to do it. And it really helped because he has not targeted my condo since I put it up. I’m hoping that future assertive actions like this won’t cause panicked physical responses. I guess it’s a “baby steps” kind of thing.

Carry a Weapon

Not carrying a weapon does not make you peaceful. It just makes you harmless. I live in an urban environment so, personally, I don’t feel comfortable owning a gun. There are just too many people around and the odds of me injuring or killing the wrong person are just too great. But if I lived in a rural setting, I would almost certainly purchase, and learn how to shoot, a gun. Probably, two guns. Some sort of long gun and a handgun. But where I currently live, I’ve decided that a solid knife and pepper spray does the trick. I keep them on me, with easy access, every time I leave my home. I cannot describe the increased confidence I feel with them on my body. Additionally, it’s helpful to increase your exercise so your muscles are fit and strong. Finally, you should probably think about taking a self-defense course that teaches you the basics of warding off threats.

 

Being brave isn’t something that “just happens” – or something you “just are.” It’s a course of action to pursue. These five steps have really helped me. I hope they help you too.